CharmingBitch

And So It Goes, Right

Well, our plans have been temporarily shifted by a few days. Mike's mom died yesterday.

That makes his grandmother, Sherri's (Mike's wife) mom and Mike's mother all in a matter of less than two weeks. I am just shaking my head at one family facing so much loss, so quickly. Of course the 14 yr old (who I think I will refer to as just C from now on) who will be living with us indefinitely is taking the loss of her grandmother very hard. Given that she has lost her great grandmother and grandmother with such swiftness along with her mother still being hospitalized and her facing a new living arrangement, I think she is holding up as well as you can expect from a young teenager; in actuality she is handling it better than most adults would be capable.

My heart breaks obviously for Mike and his loss but I feel especially tender towards his (Mike's) father, my former father in law. The man has lost his wife and his mother so abruptly, he's barely had time to catch his breath. My relationship with Mike's mom was tenuous, at best and while I won't speak ill of the recently departed I will just say that her passing has made me sadder for those she left behind moreso than grieving her death, if that makes sense and does not sound as horrible as I suspect it will to anyone reading.

Mike's dad though was kind to me right up until the end of our marriage and then he got very, very angry about our divorcing. All of that aggression was taken out of me, of course, because I was not his child. It was bitter and it hurt but as time does with most wounds, those scars have long since healed and I wish I could rip out part of my heart to assuage the pain in his over losing his mom and his wife. I am intimately acquainted with loss, lonlieness and alienation; even for someone I didn't give two shits about I would want to lessen that agony but he was for so many years so good and kind to me I cannot help but want to bear some of his grief.

When I spoke to him earlier today he actually said, ''The shame of it is that I am in good health.'' with the obvious underlying meaning that he is dreading years of alone time ahead of him. It gets better, I wanted to say but I couldn't, wouldn't because that has not been my experience, at all. Sure, some losses, maybe even all of them, in time get better, I can't really speak to that this relatively early in the game of my own loss, the first loss that made me want to lay down and die.

Mike's dad even asked me today about Jackson or as he called him, ''your little boy'', which for some reason touched me even more than had he called him by name, and it was both shocking that he would think of him at such a time and so loving that he recalled his birthday was drawing near. When he mentioned Jax it just brought it all home again that no matter the family we're born into as children, we seek and create new families as we grow up and divorce or no, bitterness or no, I would always be part of Mike's family and they will always be my family, if not of origin but by choice, commitment, love, loyalty whatever it is that draws people to each other's hearts and keeps them there and hopes them safety, security, comfort for always.

I may not have loved Mike's mom in a traditional sense, ever, but I love that she loved his dad, that she was there shoulder to shoulder with him for almost 50 years and I hate that he is feeling that loss, that void, that hopelessness and helplessness that death brings, the finality of a lifetime together. I hope one day in the years to come when both of our losses are less tender, less open and swollen with defeat that we will still remember to honor and love each other not just in these hateful, hurtful times but always, day to day, recall that this life, it is brief and the good we can do each other far outweighs the harm. Remembering that you're family each day instead of just the days that bring pain would be such an act of kindness not just to ourselves but for each other.

RIP Betsy. Give my Jackson a hug.

It's A Girl!!

So. Remember when I mentioned that Mike's sister is a meth head currently in the hospital with an awful infection ON HER FACE due to meth related picking and how Mike and I had raised her kids for five years previously due to her addictions? And how the two oldest are grown and married with babies now but the youngest is just 14 and still at home with meth mom?

Long story short, we (the kids and I) are headed out to Houston Thursday to help with some hurricane recovery efforts and we're going to swing through the coast to pick her up to ''stay with us until her mom is better'' and y'all if I didn't know in my heart we are doing the right thing I would want to open a vein right this minute. But we are doing the right thing and it will all shake out the way that it should in the end.

So. From a family of 2 to a family 6 in a matter of weeks. Awesome. No, really. I mean it.

Let This Be A Lesson, Kids

If you're 34 and all jacked up on hormones, mountain dew and glee at your new life situation, don't choose a wedding of close friends in which you're an attendant along with your ex-husband as the time to get drunk as Cooter Brown because you will a) look like this the next day and b) spend the night (in the same bed!!) with your ex and his lovely new wife and c) wake up going, ''OMGWTFBBQ-LOL?'' while searching for your bra. And dignity.

Best Decision Ever Made

Not a lot of time for details (which if you've noticed usually prefaces a fat lot of rambling, heh) but a quick over-view of the last few weeks goes something like this:

• Road tripping to Mississippi with the kids was great; not every single day and for sure not every moment but overall, it was fantastic. Me, three kids and a dog made a fairly cohesive group and in the end, we all made it through alive and without any bloodshed so: success.

• And by success, I mean to say I want to never, ever make such a trip again alone without additional adult back-up both for driving duties and refereeing the kids. I cannot wait until D gets to Mississippi but on second thought, had we made the trip together (meaning he and I in the car w/ the kids), one of us likely would have stopped about 100 miles in and left the other roadside. We do well together and make a great team but I think it's best this trip was made solo.

• My friends in our new town made our arrival so much easier. As we took only what fit in the car, we are essentially starting all over. Again. Because we dig that, apparently. Or are criminally insane, either explanation works. But they had beds for the kids ready and assembled at the new (great) house along with a dining room table and lovely couch. They rock so hard it hurts and I can't believe we are so blessed to have so much awesome in our life.

• Although I lived in MS my entire life minus the last year and a half in the Pacific NorthWest, almost all of that time was on the coast excepting a year or so in Jackson (central MS). This is my first experience with rural Mississippi and I must say thus far: FANTASTIC. The water department, library, city hall and city court are all in the same building. With the police department next door and the courthouse across the street. So small town, so lovely and so quaint. I love it like butter is what I'm saying, right.

• We live at the end of a small road and there is very little traffic; we get up every morning and take a walk around the woods around us and amble up and down our small road. It's so idyllic, sometimes I honestly wonder how we got to be so fucking lucky. Honestly.

• We are on the coast this weekend (just can't stay out of the car) for a wedding and the weather is eerie. Ike isn't coming here but the air is hot, the wind is kicking and the same spooky charged atmosphere reminds me so much of Katrina weekend three years ago. Our thoughts are with those in LA and TX and it's likely we will head to TX to help in the recovery efforts on Sunday. It's time to give back the kindness shown to me in 2005.

• The kids love Mississippi as I expected they would but again they are in a new place, they too only knew the coast. Every day they wake up and at least one of them asks, ''Can we stay living in Mississippi? We don't have to leave?'' and I know we made the best decision ever in bringing those babies back home or as close as possible. The librarian already knows them by name and our closest neighbor has given them toys from her now much older grand-kids. She told the kids to call her Nana. Her husband told them to call him Poppa Randy and he has joined us walking in the morning several times already. We are home, kids. We are home.

• Mike (ex-husband) lost his grandmother last weekend. His wife (Sherri) lost her mother Wednesday. We (Mike and I) are in a wedding together tomorrow and then they will head to Louisiana to bury Sherri's mom on Sunday. It has been an incredibly awful week for them yet they have been ridiculously welcoming to me and the kids. The kids love the both of them and Sherri's two girls. Sadly, Mike's mom is in the hospital and will probably not make it home and even if she does, the prognosis is not good. So much grief for one family.

• Mike's sister is also in the hospital with a terrible infection due to meth use. She has struggled with addiction for as long as I have known her (we had custody of her three kids for five years due to her issues, including her youngest who was only two weeks old when we were initially given guardianship). Obviously it's sad for her and her now almost grown children (two are grown now, both with kids of their own; the youngest is still a teenager and it's all I can do to not scoop her up and take her with us when we leave) but it also drives home that my own sister is facing long odds to ever again have a normal life and sustained recovery. Children will always be the collateral damage and it never gets any less sad.

• We got a super deal on our hotel on the coast this weekend because the general manager is a girl I grew up with who recognized my (maiden) name when I called about their rates. Her older sister is a year older than my sister and she is a year older than me; we all (both sets of sisters) were buddies growing up. In catching up with her I found out her sister is now cracked out too and has been for several years; she has been raising her niece and nephew for three years. Again, so heartbreaking but so not unique. It was a somewhat cathartic though bittersweet conversation in catching each other up on our sisters situations. Strange to get reacquainted with someone and find such a horrifying similarity in circumstance but reassuring because we now both have another link in our support systems. Mysterious ways this life works, no doubt.

• I keep waiting for enough distractions to take my mind off the fact that what would have been Jackson's second birthday is sliding up on us at the end of this month. Whoever said the second year of grieving is harder was right on because while the first year was filled with a lot of love it was also weighted heavily with shock, anger, guilt and despair. The second year is rooted in acceptance of the fact that yes, your child is gone and not coming back but has the additional complexity of distance from the rawness of the loss which unfortunately can shift your focus from questioning the fairness of losing a child to mourning the milestones that will never be reached, the first steps never taken, the personality never allowed to develop, the memories of a life that will never be lived. All of the would have beens and should have beens that your soul recognizes will never happen but that reality doesn't allow your heart to stop thinking of your babyman everytime you see a similiarly aged child.

• Wow so yes, things are good. Great actually and better than I could have ever wished for but at the same time, I cannot fully enjoy what I do have because Jackson will never be here to share, enjoy and enrich it. I miss you my baby, I miss you so, so much and I love you more than words could ever convey.

Now, tell me what you've been getting up to and if you're in the path of Ike, please take care, stay dry and be safe.

Quick Trip Update

Helllllllllllllo!! No, we didn't manage to teleport to Mississippi in three days (I WISH) but we have covered 2000 miles. I know, right? 2000 miles in three days with 3 kids and a dog. I would like to take a bow and let you imbibe my greatness but since the first day was 800+ miles and a mistake so great I should be shot where I stand for believing it to be a good idea to, ''just push a little farther'' I will instead say: Never, ever under any circumstance attempt to drive 800 miles in one day with three kids and a dog. They will hate it, hate you, hate each other and the dog will wind up with Post Traumatic Stree Disorder. Just: DON'T.

Now. The brighter side is that the next two days were really pretty good, all things considered. I mean, everyone cried at least twice (we have a 2 cry minimum up in this bitch, is just how we roll, right) and there was A LOT of whining but eventually I stopped and let the kids gripe a little, too. I am not a grinch afterall. One of the reasons I was trying to hurry it all up initially was that Mike (ex-husband) lost his grandmother this week and I really wanted to make it home for her services but it looks like that just isn't going to be an option. I loved her and I really do hate to miss it but: DAMN. Breaking point has been met, yo.

Anyway. Here are my tips thus far on traveling loooooooong distances with small kids: After three hellacious days, stop in a really crappy hotel. Get everyone bathed, fed and in bed and then plan on checking into a super-nice place the next day to get everyone out of the car and out of each other's immediate grasp for a day and night. That is what we're doing tomorrow and the place we're going has an indoor pool (so chilly already) and huge play area. The suite also has a mini kitchen so we will have some semblance of a 'normal' day with non-restraunt/fast-food and a little bit of cooking & relaxing in the evening instead of the usual, ''get them settled down/plan next day before this day is even over'' bullshit I have fallen into. I believe it is genetic; one of the things D disliked most about driving with me was that I had, no really HAD, to have the trip planned down to each and every fuel stop generally before we picked up the freight, didn't matter if it was a 200 mile load or 4000. I know, am a lunatic. Will get help. Promise.

Seriously though before I forget, this hotel that we stayed at in Utah was BEYOND awesome. It looked pretty retro and neat so we stopped to check it out and OMG I was so NOT disappointed. Green shag carpeting (!!!), dark paneling, lamps hanging from chains and if I'm lying I'm dying, there was GLITTER on the ceiling. Considering that it was Utah, is that maybe what everyone is referring to when they say babydust? Hee.

Man. Utah is one lucky asshole. It has Dooce, green shag carpet AND babydust. If only we could all be so blessed. No, I mean it. Will post pics of the carpet. Was delicious. And they also gave me a CDL discount so I think that tells you all you need to know but that isn't going to stop me from posting pictures, suckahs.

Eeeeeeeek. Am tired and rambling. Will hopefully check in tomorrow from Fun Day and hit the road again Saturday. Have a great weekend!

PS Oh and also if you were standing in line with a man and woman and the man said, ''Woman! If you do (small, harmless but irritating thing) again, I will bust your ass!'' and he was obviously threatening the women, you would be alarmed, right? Maybe call for help, assistance or interference? Then why do people who say the exact same things to children get a pass? I try, I assure you, to make other people's discipline and parenting not my overt concern but I am being honest here: Why is it okay to threaten, harm and hit minor children when we would never, ever deem it acceptable in any other relationshop, platonic or romantic. I mean to say, if your boss were to threaten to knock your teeth down your throat for dicking up the TPS report, would that not be a crime? Anyway. More on that later but for real, if you spank your kids, please explain to me why. Not that you owe me an explanation or that you're obliged to believe me when I say I'm not asking to attack anyone (I'm not, really), I just would like to better understand the thought process and success of this particular punishment.

Last Post from the (not) Glorious Pacific Northwest *Edited*

Woo-Hoo! Last post from Vancouver Washington! So long (allegedly) liberal North West! While we have enjoyed without end your teeming racism, lovely classist society and general inability to deal with anybody who is in the less than 10% non-white population we are thrilled to be returning not just to Mississippi but this time to rural Mississippi where people are actually somehow both (majority) Republicans but also socially progressive. I know, right? Would this be considered actual irony or just the kind Alanis used to sing about back in the day?

Anyway, before anyone from this neck of the woods gets their knickers knotted, I am not saying everyone here or all we have encountered have been card carrying members of the KKK but I am absolutely speaking our truth that we sold our house in Vancouver and moved to Portland both because of problems with having my (crack addled) sister so close by and also because our neighbors taught and encouraged their kids to jump on their trampoline right outside of our living room window chanting, ''Niggers need to die! Niggers need to die! Nigger-lovers suck!'' and other such niceties. Yeah, really. Remember when I told you I was actually scared to be there alone when I was sick and Deels was on the road? That is just the tip of the iceburg. But it's also a post for another day because I have got to get some sleep before we set out tomorrow on what is sure to be a ''memorable'' 3000 mile trip.

Memorable because I drove up here, alone with just me and my dog, in 3 days last year. This time I am making the return trip with a dog and three kids. In the same size car only this time with 2 carseats and one booster seat in the back so obviously, other than human cargo, we're traveling light. We thought about renting a mini-van and letting D bring the car down later but that wouldn't make sense because I will need transportation when we get there and also that would mean paying for gas twice and if he just comes 'home' when he gets routed there (he is going back over the road in a month), it won't cost us a thing. Which is good because right now, the rent on this corporate furnished apartment is bleeding us dry. Today D moved into a (thankfully) much cheaper 1 bedroom version as we packed and sorted everything (nothing like waiting till the last minute, right).

Okay! So. I really do have to catch some zzzz's as our last day here included an ER trip for the baby (skin and respitory infections) and we are all just too pooped to party. But since I won't be around much for a week or so (no idea how long the trip will take with all 5 of us; so much wishing for teleporting technology today) I will leave you with a few thoughts I have been kicking around this last week or so (particularly today regarding the Palin 'scandals').