Infidelity: The Recovery Part IV (Getting on with Getting On)

Alrighty then, enough with the preaching about the Doctor and such. Getting on with getting on requires several things not the least of which is listening to a fucking truck-ton of usually well-intentioned (you know, like from me) advice. How to weed out the sincere from the, ''this is what I think you should do and if you don't and it all blows up in your face, please call me first because I will verily burst into flames should you deny me the first shot at, ''told you so, dummy''? Listen to yourself first (and obviously, me) and go with your gut, is really all I can tell you because there are no guarantees.

• As I said I experienced myself, some people are really not comfortable hearing about infidelity. Maybe it's not something they want to spend much time thinking about or perhaps it just really makes them squirm to know that adultery is actually something that happens and it's not always as black and white as they assume. Meaning, some people are strident in their belief that they would never, ever stay with a mate who strayed and any discussion of such silliness is beneath them. And that is fine, for them. It really is but it shouldn't color your own decision.
• Ok so everyone who matters a lick to you has said, ''Once a cheat, always a cheat, move on'' - What to do, what to do. Find other people to talk to - Find an online forum full of people who don't know your or your partner. Talk about what happened, all of it, and examine the feedback.
• Not that I am saying base your behavior on the judgment of others, no. I am just saying, getting objective reviews or opinions will not hurt. Well, maybe a little but finding out that others have recovered from cheating can go a long way toward, again, forgiving yourself and your partner. You're both only human and shit happens, is really what it comes down to in the end.
• If, after taking a few weeks (or longer, whatever works for you), you decide that, fuck it, I cannot move past this, then do just that - Move on down the road. Nobody can hold your feelings against you or force you to give it another shot. Sometimes shit does happen that is irreversible. My only repetitive advice here is to make sure you're listening to your own gut and not trying to live up to everyone else's version of what an affair looks like and how it must all end. In saying talk to others first before moving on to include your spouse, I don't mean to discount the cheater but at the same time, yes, for a time they need to be minimized. How they, personally, feel about what they have done isn't applicable in how you feel about it. It's too, too easy early on to get wrapped up in how ''they'' feel and making it better, for them. And to that I say: NO.
• You have to decide for you how to proceed and frankly, they shouldn't get much input to that at least not at first.

1. Oooooooooooooookay. So you both want to make it work. How to do this with a minimum amount of carnage and things said that can never be taken back?
2. If you're able to live apart, even if this means your partner has to couch surf for a bit, start spending small amounts of time ALONE together. Not dating, just yet, but meet for a pre-specified and agreed amount of time, just to talk. It's amazing when you know there is a time limit how much the superfluous bullshit gets carved away leaving just the creamy center to gnaw away on. Think of it as a jail-house visit without the plexi-glass separator.
3. Say what you mean, mean what you say and say it without conditions or disclaimers. If you want your partner to work less, spend more time at home, say it. Don't apologize for it, just say it as fact, this is what I need. If you want more time to yourself, more help at home, an equitable division of labor with the kids or 3 nights a week off from cooking duty, just say it. The compromise and negotiations can come later when there is more time but be clear about what must change (the not shagging others should really be clear by this time but say it regardless because recovering from this once is draining, I can't imagine a second go-round, honestly).
4. Listen with an open heart and open ears to what your partner perceives as the problem and/or what they would like to see change; making a mistake, even one as grievous as cheating doesn't mean they become a life-long second class citizen. No, really, it doesn't. Forgive or don't but becoming indignant that they have an opinion, at all, on the state of things moving forward does not bode well for a continued future together.
5. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to keep the initial meetings short and to the point. A little talking, a little listening, a little small talk and buh-bye.
6. Then go home and consider, re-consider, think and re-think everything that was said and heard. You may think me the biggest weirdo round these parts of the innernets but I made and re-made no fewer than I would guess one hundred pro-con lists.
7. For a long, long time the cons far outnumbered the pros, believe that shit.
8. Mostly though because the con side was taken up with 89 different derivations of ''cheating bastard'' and/or ''likes to fuck other women''. Which wasn't entirely true; it wasn't ''women'' it was one woman, and WOW doesn't THAT make it all better? NO.
9. But, end result, it wasn't the woman I was angry with and it never should be. She didn't make a commitment to me, she didn't take vows and promise a lifetime of fidelity. He did and therefore let me make this point all on its own.
10. Do not waste time being mad at the her/him involved. No, not even if it's your best friend or dog walker. You can expend your energy on getting divorced or getting back together but dedicating energy specifically at the someone else, is pointless for many reasons with the main two being: It will take away from the righteous anger your partner should absorb; they created the mess and it's ludicrous to give them an out and more importantly, it will sap your will. Be angry, you're entitled but focus it where it will matter not where it will just take and take and take with no hope of an enriched return.
11. Again: His/her karma/conscience/whatever-the-fuck will take care of itself without any input from you; trust this and move on.
12. If you have met up (or even just talked on the phone) a few times and are to the point of bargaining about what will/won't fly in a reconciliation, try dating your spouse if time and finances allow.
13. Here is an important part of why this helped D and I: We never really dated. When we were first in a relationship, we were both drivers for different companies. We would meet up for incredible weekends and have a great delicious time. We would cross paths on the highway (literally) every once in a while, unplanned. But we didn't have a ''normal'' courtship, ever. Then we broke up and it was easy to never run into each other with 48 states to choose from and when we ''met up'' that fateful December (just after Katrina when I lost all my shit), it literally changed the rest of our lives.
14. From not ''dating'' or being in a relationship to losing everything, becoming pregnant, working together (24 hrs a day), married, then burying our son, all within the space of a year  and some months.
15. Keep in mind, because of the Katrina situation, when I stopped working, I was at my parent's house and we he came home, it was to my parent's house. So: Pregnant, married and living with my parents. Oh, yeah. It was ''awesome''.
16. No, really my parents were great but...you get what I'm saying.
17. Then we went back to work (too, too soon for me). And moved cross country. And I lost my mind some more. Then had a miscarriage. Then got really, really sick (again).
18. We never had time to catch our breath, much less work on us (oh his mom/family was a tremendous pain in the ass during all of the above, so that helped. NOT) as a couple.
19. I mean, we made attempts but you cannot replicate the time an actual courtship gives a couple in getting to know each other and coping with the miscellaneous non-sense being a couple entails.
20. He was in his 30s and never married. I had been married for close to a decade but single for about six years. To say we were both set in our ways is the understatement of the century.
21. Sometimes, to make it work, you have to acknowledge your way may not be the only way. Shocking, I know. I am still trying to believe that fully.
22. SO: Date your partner. No, really date them. Pick him/her up or have them pick you up. Go to dinner, see a movie, wander through the zoo, whatever cranks your collective tractors.
23. This is a clean slate in some ways so don't make the mistakes of youth and inexperience in this do-over. Don't feign an interest in football, don't expect that he suddenly shares your passion for baseball games. You know exactly what I am talking about and don't act like you don't; we have all made the mis-step of going along for the sake of going along in the beginning (this applies equally to how we, ''didn't mind'' doing all the laundry at first, thought cooking was the ultimate show of love and devotion after a long, hard day and wanted so much to be the go-to, know-it-all parent that we shoulder our partner out of the way). Use this fresh start to lay down a workable, feasible, EQUITABLE way of life.
24. Say what you will about reconciling with a cheater (as so many of you already have, ha) but how many marriages get to hit re-set without a major, shifting event? I am not endorsing this route, by any means, but the fact remains that changing the structure of, ''how things have always been'' is rarely achieved without seismic waves being made; your partner has made the waves - work together to  swim back from them to a house you want to live in. Together.
25. And by, ''how things have always been'' isn't an observation of how marriage, in general, has always been but how your own personal relationship has fallen into certain ruts; it happens. We are only human, everyone of us. We are all lulled into patterns by convention, by rote or by inertia. Get over the indignation of being exactly as unique as every single other person on the planet and make the best of it.

Good grief, I have wore my damn self out. Comments open - Be productive or be gone. And I don't say that to mean differing opinions or experiences will be deleted - I mean only that anything along the lines of, ''Of course he cheated - He's black!11!'' (and yes, that was a good part of the e-mail I received) will be done away with accordingly. So, innernet, post anonymously if feel more comfortable, tell us what you think and how you're making it work. Or not.

Comments

[winomom]

I just wanted to say that I somehow stumbled on your site yesterday and then SPENT THE ENTIRE MORNING reading all of your archives, up to present. You are a fantastic voice, wonderful with the words, and an amazing testimony to the will to keep getting up every day, in spite of the shite.

Don't even bother looking at my stupid url. I just started writing again yesterday, after 4 years of blog/delete blog/blog/delete blogging cycles. I aspire to spin a tale of truth with the real gift in a way you are able, but in reading you, will do my damn best to find my OWN voice ( which is really kind of why I'm jumping back in AGAIN), and not fall into imitating, which is so easy to do when you really like someone's style.

As this stranger reads along, I do wish you the best, with D, and the rest of your life.
allison

[Angie]

First of all, WTF does being black have to do with cheating? I guess my over-active imagination was in overtime when my WHITE ex-boyfriends cheated on me? Gimme a fucking break. Any penis, no matter what size, shape, or color it is, could very well find itself being stuffed into places it shouldn't. I think it's a Y chromosome thing, not a black or white or purple-with-green-stripes thing. (Or maybe it's an X chromosome thing, since lots of women feel the urge to stuff things.... never mind, I won't finish that thought, you get the picture.)

I, also, had to sit and read your archives when I first found you (back about the time I gave you YET ANOTHER Thinking Blog Award :D). I consider you one of my "blog-sisters" and want only what's best for you - and my opinion or anyone else's on what is best for SHANNON really doesn't matter. We're not you, it's not our life, and unless you choose to share as you have done, it's really none of our business, so NO ONE - ABSOLUTELY NO ONE - HAS THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE OR TEAR DOWN YOUR DECISIONS.

Whatever you decide, I will respect your choice because I think you are strong enough to make the choices that are best for YOU. Some people aren't and that's probably the source of the criticism, but you, my dear friend, have more than sufficiently earned the right to decide as you see fit.

Hugs.

[hillary]

you are a smart lady

(and the hater who sent that email is a douchebag)

[jodifur]

I just want to say, I really admire you for writing this. For putting yourself out there. My mother once said to me, "you get through what you have to" and I have never forgotten it.

There is a great moment in the sex and the city movie where a therapist says to Miranda and Steve, you need to chose to move forward, or not. But you have to make that choice.

Good luck to you hon, you deserve some happiness.

[woodstove]

A tour de force about cheating and recovery and decisions and relationships Shannon.

The only thing that I would add, (from my own experience and my own feelings only) is that the lies hurt me far more than the straying dick. My number one rule when I had my heart broken by my lover cheating was, "Don't lie to me ever again."

I hope you two make it to a fiftieth anniversary.

[Shannon]

Just wanted to say that I admire you and your husband's courage to try again. Clearly it hasnt and won't be easy, but it says a lot about your character (both of you!) that you are working to make this better. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the process.

[Erika Jurney]

Look, whether you tell Deels to fuck off and die or decide to remain together forever, I'm on your side.

[Elena]

sorry to hear that trolls are still hatin', you stay strong and paddle your own canoe as far as what you want for you and not what anyone else thinks you should have. I admire your blogging the battle and I know that what's condensed into an entry doesn't even begin to cover the pain/agony/voices in your head saying things so hurtful trolls wish they could take LESSONS.

[Bon]

dude this would make one hell of a how-to book. seriously, next time i or my cousin or my friend or whotheheckever needs this unfortunate collection of advice, i'm trolling your archives. couldn't have said it better.

and happy, for the two of you, that you've made it here.