The State of Affairs (HAHAHAHAHA)

Lookit me, making a joke in the title.

Because, you know, affairs, they are a lot of things and funny has to be at the top of the list, right? RIGHT!

Seriously though, things here are better for lack of a more descriptive word. We're living separately, obviously but we're talking a little, here and there. It's been expressly weird at work because although he is mainly at the warehouse ten miles away there are several weekly meetings that we both have to attend and acting ''normal''-ish has been a task but we're so not willing to play this drama out at work so we're just keeping in on a even keel the best we can. Although coming up with reasons why I can't take various and sundry things to the warehouse in the evenings when I used to pick D up most evenings has become something of a mental game for me as is ''explaining without the slightest detail'' why he is living in (an even smaller - HA!) studio close to the warehouse now for D.

But, I mean, really: We only air our dirty laundry in the privacy of the innernetz, not all public like at work. HEE! We have some decency and decorum, right.

Sigh. Yeah. None of it is really funny but in talking in short, fast bursts it's becoming lighter and less encompassing, if that makes any sense. My husband cheating isn't humorous or the punchline to a screamingly hilarious joke but you know what else it isn't: the end of the world.

That's right. We're not definitively divorcing. Stop, stop, stop yourself, please if you're opening Outlook to tell me, ''Once a cheater, always a cheater'' or ''If you ''let'' him ''get away with it'' this time, he will do it again and again''. Believe me, I have thought of all those things and more. Plenty more, I assure you. But at the end of the day, the reality is that D wasn't the only one cheating.

No, no I didn't have an affair that involved another person. But what I did and didn't do was very hurtful; I cut D off in so many, many ways and didn't let him in. I mean, I did to some extent but there were days, weeks sometimes that I was so completely shut down with my head in my own ass that I barely knew he existed except as a warm body in bed at night.

We never elaborated completely on why we chose to sell our house and get out of the neighborhood we were in and there were so many reasons. Our neighbors were scary and terrible, yes, they definitely were part of the problem but the bigger issue was my sister and her addiction/recovery/manipulation that was eroding my own sense of well-being and effecting our marriage and my husband deeply. I ignored, I negotiated and I too manipulated to some extent because: She's my sister. And I wanted, needed her to get better and I wanted to be part of her support.

But at the end of the day just as you can't ''let'' someone cheat on you, you can't ''make'' someone smoke crack or not. Those decisions are made independent of the people, resources and support surrounding the people making them; you can't force someone sober and you can't force someone into fidelity. They make the promise, you hold your breath and hope for the best. All you have is faith in yourself and your decision-making; the rest only time well tell.

I'm not saying we're good as we're far from it but for now, at least, there is hope. And frankly, I need that right now just as much as I need oxygen.

That isn't to say that reconciling is the easy way out or that I am making the decision to stay with the devil I know rather than beginning, yet again, from square one to seek the devil that I don't know. I love D in a way that mere words can't convey; his hurt over hurting me pains me, if that makes any sense. His pain is my pain is my pain is his pain and honestly after the initial shock of betrayal wore off one thing rang true to me and I believe always will: This isn't a love I want to lose. This isn't a man I want to be without in my life. D isn't a man who came easily into my life and I don't want to walk away without a fight. We have done nothing but fight, to be together, to keep our son, to keep our sanity and letting go without at least that much passion seems ludicrous.

So. I don't know. It's a hard place to be for both of us right now and I don't envy his regret anymore than I treasure my own shame at not being able to get it and keep it together in this marriage but I also don't know any two people who have faced more in less time than we have so if anyone has a chance, I hope it's us. More than hope, we are working for it to be us.

Sigh. Deeeeeeeeep breath - Thanks for listening innernets. You're the best.

Comments

[terri c]

I am glad for the hope. And for the talking. And I am pulling for you.

[whindiva]

You gotta go with what feels right for you. It is what it is! Peace be with you and what you finally find at the end of your rainbow. We will all be here to support you.

[Kim]

I think you'll do what's right for both of you. I wish all the best that you both deserve.

[Mary]

Don't remember how I found your blog, but I did. I come every day to see if there is an update, because the way you write is so real.. I've cried reading your blog, and I've laughed out loud.

I just want you to know that this stranger is thinking about you and hoping that it all works out the way it is meant to.. and that you get the happiness you deserve.. and if it's meant to be with D, I hope it's with him.

Pulling for you out here on the innernetz!!

[a.j.]

I think when this happens to some people, they have to leave and end things immediately, but I don't think it's that way for everyone and I'm so happy to hear you have some hope. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope like hell that everything works out for you.

And thank you for the kind words about Harley; it means a lot to me.

The innernetz ARE the best!!11

[jodi]

Only uou can know what is the right decision for you. No one can tell you what to do. I'm here, if you need someone to listen.

[Sophie Treadmill]

There is no cookie-cutter, one size fits all answer to this. You have to do what you think is best for your life and sanity. I am thinking you of lots and hope everything works out for you.

[HeatherN3Boys]

I must admit that while I don't know you IRL (I swore I would never use that acronym, LOL), I was sort of hoping that a reconciliation would be at least considered, even temporarily. When two people face as many things together as the two of your have, it really makes you stop and wonder if anyone else could have walked that road with you, or walk the path that follows. I'm not saying one way or the other "what you should do," again, because I don't know you, but I don't think reconciliation is taking the easy way, or the harder way. I think we all do what is best for ourselves and our own hearts. Oh, Shan... I hope you and D can find peace in whatever you decide and while it may not be a hop, skip, and a jump away, it sounds like you're already doing the right thing because you aren't destroying each other out of anger or hurt. Even if your civility is forced because of work, it's better than kicking and screaming every time you see each other. Peace and serenity to you both, and I am always E-mail-able if you need anything. :-)

[fringes]

Selfishly, I'm glad you continue to blog. Unselfishly, do you need money?

[Eliza]

I'm so glad to see you posting more about how YOU are doing, although the politics of reconciliation can be even more dicey than the politics of divorce. You know me and you know that my husband cheated on me about two years ago and that we got back together this past spring. You and I have had very frank conversations (OFF-record) about "DROP THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIKE HE'S HOT" is not always the correct or even close to correct thing to say, and how much peoples' reactions to your "news," whatever they actually know about it, can teach you about your relationships with your friends and the people you THOUGHT were your friends. I don't know if I could have taken MY husband back if he had done what Deels did, but heck, I dunno if YOU could have taken ANYBODY back after all the public messiness and lawyering and such that went on between us. None of it was directed so much at each other as toward LIFE, and dammit this is unbearable and therefore we want CHANGE, so OUT WITH THE MARRIAGE. It's like anorexics not eating--we control the things that ARE within our control in order to give us some illusion that we can control the things that are NOT within our control. Sometimes in the face of more than we can handle and stay whole, we check out and the person left holding the collective bag starts looking for someone else to shoulder part of the load, and there are opportunists who will, when a marriage is on its knees because that is where both parties are, come crawling out of the woodwork to hold out a hand--in FRIENDSHIP, naturally--and then one thing leads to another. Does that make it right to be taking anybody else's hand? HELLS no! Does that make it unforgivable, render that person past redemption, leave, take your shit with you, do not pass Go and do not let the door hit you in the ass? That is a matter of opinion, and the only one that counts here is yours. Sometimes you make that call and then change your mind, because the only person who is strong enough to handle YOUR shit is the person whose own shit's knobby parts mesh well with the dents in yours, allowing for a team-lift. I won't say I hope that you dump Jackson's father cold, without looking over your shoulder. I won't say that someone who has been the last straw on one occasion in the past deserves a second chance. Because what you've done in the past, good, bad, or otherwise, has NO FUCKING BEARING on how the future will shake out. It might just keep on getting worse, all the way down the hill to the nuthouse--WHEEEE!!! If it does, the ride might be alllllmost worth it. It might rain candy and every cloud might turn into a rainbow with a REAL pot of gold at BOTH ends, and MRSA, VRSA, Cancer and AIDS might all be cured with affordable household ingredients anyone can round up in their kitchen, TOMORROW! Odds are against it, but you never know. You might do everything possible and still have to hit the lights, lock the door, and call it a day, knowing that you did you best. Good luck to you, and good to see you writing again.

[weejie]

I'm so glad you're feeling a little better. One day at a time kiddo, that's all you can do.

Like others have said, only you can decide what's right for you. I really hope, however it turns out, you both find peace.

I'll be thinking of you, and hoping for the best for you. Please feel free to email me if you like, I've been told I'm a pretty good listener. {{hugs}}

[spider]

you are sounding so much more clear. glad there is hope. peace and joy to you.

[woodstove]

Good for you Shannon.

I can't read Deel's "100 things" without knowing, deep in my heart, that this man loves you.

Posts above this one said really good things, many of which I was thinking myself. I was also hoping that reconciliation would be considered. The thing is, whatever you decide here, I am on YOUR side, because I really want what's best for you, and I want the wheel of life to start it's upswing for you NOW.

The way I see it, you have both been through hell--serious hell here. Your (both of your) coping skills with such devastation ran the gamut from exemplary and brave, to making some bad choices, Deels by cheating, you by shutting him out sometimes. Could anyone could go through what the two of you have, and managed it perfectly?

On cheating. Yes, I have been in your shoes, and it hurts like hell. What I finally realized though? The part that hurt was the lies, because it broke something. A penis entering a vagina? Who cares really? It's all so stupid. But the lies, the emotional distance, and the broken trust is a hard thing to work through. It can be done though, and if that is what the two of you decide? Good for you, and God's speed in fixing things! If, on the other hand, you decide it can't be fixed, I understand that too.

What I wish is for both of you to find happiness and peace, together or apart. I have absolute confidence in your ability to make the right call here.

Love & call anytime...

[Brianna]

You have to do what you think is right. Others might have the best of intentions when helping with their advice, but sometimes only you know what is best for you. Wishing you all the best....

[Redneck Mommy]

I'm out here in cyberspace, cheering you on, Shan.

Hope helps. And ultimately, it heals. Best wishes to both of you.

[Karen]

I have known some guys that definitely fall into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" category. But alot of men (and women) can screw up spectacularly in this way and never want to screw it up again. So I agree that there is no cookie-cutter path one must take when cheated on. You have to find your own way and what is right for you and your family. And to hell with anyone that disagrees with you. They don't know all the mitigating factors in a decision to leave or not to leave.

[Candy]

Glad to see you back. I was just thinking about you the other day (honest...and I barely know you...)

Anyway, my two cents. My husband had an affair on his first wife...with me. He left her a few years after that and we've been married for 20 years this March. He's never cheated on me. Past behavior is not ALWAYS a barometer of future behavior. Every situation is different. Don't let people bring their hurt to your table. Do what's right for you.

[Jen]

I hope that whatever you decide to do, it brings peace and happiness to you both. Goodness knows that you both deserve that.

[Elena]

it's not black and white (HEE! I made a joke)--no one decision is right for everyone. I just skimmed over the earlier comments so everyone may have already said this, but you have to make the decision that is right for you. And only you can make that. You have my love and support no matter which way you swing! I'm sorry I haven't commented before, I have been reading and thinking of you and wishing good things for you.

[crunchy carpets]

I actually do understand.

Both of you take your time and heal and communicate and take care of each other and see where that takes the two of you....

Believe me...I do understand.

[Sara]

I'm actually glad to see that you are thinking about making it work. After I read that you two were done, that there had been some infidelity... I went and read both of your "100" list. All I could think was, no, there is a lot of love, I hope they read these again, to refresh themselves and try and make it work. In the end though, both of you have to make it work.

I too lost my 10 week 5 day old daughter to death. It isn't easy and you aren't the first couple to have problems after the death of a child. We knew she was going to die. We learned shortly before her death that she had suffered a massive stroke... We decided that if she died, we would go and see a marriage counselor. Not because our marriage was going down hill, but because we didn't want it to ever get that far.

*hugs* I'll be praying for both of you. That you both will soften your hearts toward one another and to forgive.

[StickyKeys]

Take care of you <3

[Lou Lou]

I'm with Sara. You don't know me & I don't know you, never commented before, but when I read your last announcement I remembered reading the 100 thing lists and thought, No, it can't end this way. I lost a baby too, from stillbirth, and losing a child seems horrible enough for any one lifetime without losing the one person who really knows what that means. That make sense? It's not logical, but there you go.

[Mrs. Mustard]

My father had an affair when I was 8. My parents thus separated for about 6 months, but my mom ultimately decided that she wasn't giving up on the marriage, and they got back together. They were married 20 years when my dad died.
An affair doesn't have to be the end, and it is nive that you see it that way, too.

[thordora]

I don't have any advice as I've never been then. But I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. You deserve something more. And I hope the two of you find it.

And a part of me is glad that you aren't giving up on eachother. So many people do that-isn't love WORTH fighting for?

[Knickers]

"Stop, stop, stop yourself, please if you're opening Outlook to tell me, ''Once a cheater, always a cheater'' or ''If you ''let'' him ''get away with it'' this time, he will do it again and again''"

-----

Yeah, no, not at all. At first when you shared this, I *really* wanted to say to you that an affair doesn't have to mean the end. But who am I to know if that's true for you, right?

I can say that my husband cheated on me when we were still engaged (and that was all him and his issues, I had nothing to do with it). But we got through it and have been married for many a long happy year now.

It's true that he could have cheated again but I can read him pretty well (I caught him the one time!) and I'm confident. And, I trust him. So, I'm here to say that you can trust again, relax again, love again, some more. But - only if it feels OK to you.

FWIW for us the most important things were for him to really acknowledge what he'd put me through, and for me to be able to let it go at a certain point and live through the doubt and pain to the good stuff without ever bringing it up again to throw in his face. I also needed to understand why he did it and why I wasn't at risk of it happening again.

I hope that you can figure out how you feel, and get what you want, and need.

[Jhianna]

Add me into the choir that was hoping that you guys would/will try to find a way to make it work.

[ravenous]

You freakin' rock in so many ways.

holding you and Deels in my most hopeful thoughts.

[Missy]

Mwa-mwa.

Those were kisses. One for each cheek.

I know, they're messier than hugs.

Life is messy.

[MommyCosm]

Delurking to say that my husband and I have always declared cheating to be an instant deal breaker, period. Sounds like such a confident statement.

BUT, the truth. I know deep down that there is no telling how we would react unless faced with the reality (just don't tell him that!). I hope we never find out.

Do what feels right. For you. For your family. Take your time.

[Gunfighter]

Hang in there... I'm only as far as your keyboard, pal.

[sunShine]

I am cheering for you. I know that you and D will do what is right for you. Yes, the kind of love that you 2 have is worth fighting for.

You don't know me, but please know I am sitting here and wishing and praying for you both! I have been where you have been and god knows it hurts like hell. I read your post and found myself nodding with all the things you were saying. No one can tell you what to do, just surround yourself with supportive people, people that will listen and not judge and then do what is in your heart and what works best for you and D. My husband and I did it and we have been able to make it work. Sometimes love can conquer, I won't say it is always easy, but it is well worth the fight! Hang in there, take good care of yourself and keep talking to those who want to listen! There are more people who have been there than you realize!

[lorrie]

I agree, you can't read the 100 things about D without realizing he is head over heels in love with you. After the hell you guys went through maybe this was sort of a way of escaping the pain for a few minutes. I hope you guys can make it together.