Oh For Fuck's Sake. Honestly.

Best update I can give for now and likely for awhile.

My sister is in rehab. We went from being childless to co-parenting three kids who have had oooooooooooooh let's just say a truck-ton of ''adjustments'' in the last two years. And they are not not not not not not not not not handling this latest one-two punch well. At all. To wit, Q has taken to following me around and expounding upon the many ways she hates me and plans to destroy my house at the first opportunity. I know. I know. She's a child, it's transference (she can't be mad at her mom so...what the hell...the sister will be a fine substitute, right?). The boys are...mmm. Well. They are withdrawing into themselves at a shocking pace. Good times. Had by all.

And by co-parenting I mean to say that D got a new route so he's home 2 nights a week and weekends (just long enough to bug the kids and not long enough for them to adjust, right) and my BIL is ...well. He's just thismuch past catatonic because holy shit balls is there mess after mess after mess to clean up after an addict, right? And did I mention he was laid off from his job? Because he was and fuck me gently with a chainsaw has THAT made life easier, right?

And as a final parting shot from God or insert deity of choice here, we will have to put Sadie to sleep at some point in the next week. Her hip and backleg (which were broken when I found her, I'm sure I've told that story 2000 times already) have finally given out and she's in crazy pain and damn near out of her mind. That's really all I can stand to say about that because: Jaysus, seriously? And my little dog, too?

For those who believe this blog to be a work of masterful story telling, drop me an e-mail. I'll give you my address and you can come hang out for a day and take it all in. In fact, you can have it all to yourself and revel in the reality. I'll go do some shots and celebrate five minutes of quiet. Deal? Yeah. Thought not. Also, eat my ass. Seriously.

Anyway. Thank you to all of you have helped and advised in e-mail and on the phone. This all had to come to a head at some point and frankly while we are overwhelmed (hahahahhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha) right now, in-patient rehab was the only option. She hasn't been there in any significant way for these kids for a long, long time. Being actually gone will be a good thing once the shock wears off. I mean, mom can only go get seven hour ''haircuts'' so many times in a week before the kidlets catch on, right? Once you get kicked out of a methadone program, it's time to go on lock down, you reckon?

And because I can't go two minutes without being a defensive, seeping open sore, anyone reading this who believes themselves or their family to be above such a situation, let me clarify: It's all the fucking same. Over eating/drinking/spending/sexing/gambling/drugging: IT'S ALL THE FUCKING SAME.

It's all compulsive, it's all destructive and it's all fucking selfish. My sister thought that ''in-patient'' was somehow more selfish than what she was already doing and to her and anyone else operating under that assumption: You're wrong. There has to be an end game, at some point the bleeding has to stop. Continuing addictive behavior is the fucking height of selfish; seeking treatment to staunch the flow is a means to a motherfucking end. Continuing to use, no matter your drug of choice, is selfish. Getting better is the best and most selfless gift you can bestow on the people who love you.

Selfless is not the best word because my sister, obviously, will benefit from getting right and getting straight but she's the only one who can do that work and it's a heavy, heavy load. But the work isn't just for her, it's for the betterment of her entire family. That's a metric ton of responsibility and she's the only one who can do it; I want nothing but success for her and I hate that, at this point, the only help we can provide is periphery.

So. Sorry for being disjointed, crabby and meandering. This too shall pass. Deep breath, this too shall pass.

PS If you're dealing with addiction yourself or with someone in your family, please read the book, ''And I Don't Want to Live this Life'' by Deborah Spungen, mother of the Nancy in the infamous pairing of Sid and Nancy. I read this book (when my own mother did) as a teenager (Nancy had horrific sensory issues as a baby and well into childhood which is why my mom read it initially; she later used it as something of a bible when I couldn't stay not drunk and/or high as a teenager. Yeah. I was a peach, thanks for noticing.). When you're mentally and spiritually deflated and can't deal with another ''meeting'' (because omg, shut up, all of you) and can't make the words come out as anything less than word vomit about what's going on, the book is a concrete comfort of someone who has ''been there, done that''. I mean, without having read that book, I wouldn't have known a fucking thing about methadone when my sister first attempted that route to getting right and good.

Jaysus. I am going to just keep babbling. Everything sucks, read the book and take a deep breath or fourteen for us if you think about it.

Comments

[Country Mouse]

Taking lots of deep breaths for you, yeppers.

[jodi]

No words, just hugs. You are an amazing sister and aunt and hopefully you will all get through this.

[Sarah]

I don't have any real words to help you, but I am praying for your family. My husband is a pharmacist who runs a methadone program and even though many are successful on it, rarely do people actually GET OFF the methadone. And many people supplement (so to speak) with other street drugs of choice. I hear the tales all the time (he has over 80 patients on it).
Rehab is probably the best thing for your sister, even if it is hard right now.
Thinking of you!

[DangerDoll]

Breathing for you here...

Read that book years and years ago...insightful it definitely is. And yeah, the methadone is just substituting one thing for the other, not really getting rid of anything at all. Been there with my niece (hope you got my e-mail). Hard to love the addict; harder to clean up their trail of damage. Our Hazmat was mostly legal and financial...I can't imagine it with kids. :-(

[Kirstin]

Hugs and prayers, and breathing with you. You sound angry--you also sound strong. The kids are lucky to have you, though they don't know it now. Your sister is, also.

Peace.

[aj]

I wish I had some words to make you feel even a little bit better. I'm keeping your family in my thoughts.

[angela Z]

You are definitely a great aunt and sister. Big hugs and prayers to you. I read the book years and years ago and it was excellent. Hang in there!

[carmen]

Oh, Shan. I am so sorry. I wish I could do ANYTHING to help you. Hugs and prayers and lots of positive thoughts headed your way.

Email anytime if you want/need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

[JD]

Just sending you love and hope for a better day. It is easy to say better days are coming but you and I do not know that for sure. my brother has been in and out of rehab at lease 10 times. so often I wonder is he really sick or just trying to get away from his responsibilities. I have heard, God nevers gives more than you can handle. Good Luck

[StickyKeys]

SADIEEEEEEE!!!! Aww, I love you baby, and remember that as much as you change "this soon will pass" you gotta believe it too. But don't stop chanting it, it will catch on.

Really, although this seems like the suckiest suck that ever sucked, it would have been even suckier if allowed to continue. You're doing the right thing and it will get better my dear.

And who is accusing you of lying? Girl don't even pay them no mind. Seriously, if they have enough time to try and tell you this is fake, then they seriously don't have enough goings on in their own lives. Don't waste your precious time on that stupidity.

Call when you need to sugah, I'll be around.

[woodstove]

The stuff with the kids will get easier. How do I know this? Because as hurt and scared and pissed and confused as they are right now, they know one thing for sure. Auntie Shannon loves them to pieces. You are their safety right now, and they DO know that.

Aw Sadie. My heart breaks for you. You may remember I had to do this with Lucky last year, and, while it was the right thing for her, it just broke my heart. I am glad I stayed with her though, because I would have imagined it as horrible. In reality, I was able to hug her and hold her and when the injection went in, she just went peacefully to sleep, instantly, and forever. I am so sorry. Just hugs and love and an ear whenever you need it.

As for your sister? I just hope the best for her, and I am glad she agreed to in-patient, because I think that is her best chance.

As for the sock puppet who implied you lie? Fuck 'em. No one believes that shit, and seriously, I have a pretty good idea of who that was.

Hugs Shan. I am here. I can be there too.

[Heather]

The troll who called your a liar is just that - a troll. Clearly they live in a bubble and their only source of drama is day-time television... Or whatever sad little drama they themselves create. No more on that.

It's heartbreaking to put your dog to sleep, but selfless. Keeping a creature alive that you know is in pain does nothing for them - quality of life and all that.

I hope your sister can pull through this - for herself, for her children, and for everyone else who loves her. And yes, her kids need someone to take the brunt of their anger, and hopefully, that anger will dissolve when they start to see that they are truly in the best place for them while their mother is doing what she needs to do for herself and for them.

I think the things can be the hardest to come by when you are already overwrought are strength, patience, and good sleep. I wish you tons of each.

[ravenous]

you've been awarded. I know you hate these things. But I love your writing and this gave me a chance to post on my blog how great I think you are.

[missy]

Been thinking about you. Didn't know what to say when I first read your post. Sometimes words feel lame in the face of reality. You hang in there, too.

Have to laugh, my husband saw your comment and said, "Who is this 'Charming Driver' and why is he calling you babe? Only I can call you babe!"

Uh, that would be Shannon. Mmmkay?

[MammaLoves]

I am so sorry for you and your husband--because it affects everyone--but so much so for your sister's kids.

I am raising my nephew (and have been for eight years) due to my sister's addiction. As challenging as the kids are--they didn't get a choice about their parents...poor kids. And I know you know that.

It sounds like a mess. Please feel free to email me if you'd like an empathetic ear. It's definitely a been there, done that experience--and I think I actually do have a bit of perspective on it with twenty years of experience now.

I wish YOU peace and strength.

[sunShine]

Taking lots of deep breaths for you. I have been, there done that with my sister, who because of her addiction and her denial lost her 3 children and ripped our hearts out. An addict can only get help when they are ready to change and that is something that I have lived through with my sister and my ex-husband. I hope you will all be okay, I know this is hard on everyone, especially the kids. My heart goes out to you and Deels and everyone else involved. Addiction is such an ugly thing. Oh and I am really sorry about Sadie. I know that has got to be hard.

[Gunfighter]

As I mentioned in my email, Shannon... I've been there. Even after in-patient rehab, my sister couldn't shake the heroin which eventually killed her.

Be strong, but remember, you don't have to be strong alone.

GF

[crunchycarpets]

Yah gotta wonder sometimes just how much crap we are supposed to take...all at once...

[Jen]

I can tell you one thing that is probably the case with those little darlings, they know You are not going to kick them to the curb and are going to love them no matter how much they piss on you. Let them vent, as hard as it is to deal with. You are their rock! They just may not be able to tell you that. Unfortunately the kids are always the ones who are the most hurt in parent's bad decisions. We're all with you babe, wish there was a better answer for all of you in this sucky situation. We'll be praying for some peaceful moments to take you by surprise on some of the worst days...Hang in there!

[jennifer]

I am so sorry about your sister and your dog.

[Bon]

dude. i'm sorry about Sadie, and i wish you strength and grace for the rest, for the long haul.

will breathe out here and hope you get the chance to, too.

[Shell]

Sounds like you're holding things together much better than you may believe. It really, really sucks, but you're doing it. Because you have to, so you will. That's you. I admire you for it.