Real Moms

Lordy majority. Ever read something that just takes you out at the knees but you can't stop re-reading it or thinking about it because it lays the truth so undeniably before you, fairly well daring you to deny its honesty?

I have and it was this post I found thanks to Jane and within the soul crushing post was a link to someone else who has been so kind and funny to us that reading her most recent post regarding her Bug and wondering about the future he will never have that right now, honestly, I feel like I'm simultaneously being  kicked in the stomach and hugged.

I am a real mom without a living child or surviving children.

I have well thought out opinions on babies and child rearing.

I feel diminished when those thoughts are asked for then met with, ''And...how many children do you have?''

I feel minimized when those ideas are ignored or even mocked because, ''Well. You'll see when you have kids.''

I get words stuck in my throat when people say, ''Well. You can always have more.''

I know we can't have more but, more importantly, what will more do to stop the ache of losing Jackson?

I feel like I can never not hate, at least a little bit, people who say things like that because it diminishes Jackson.

I don't want to hate anyone, especially people with good intentions and horrible comprehension.

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that Jackson was a person, a living being.

I feel like because he never came home from the hospital, he's easy to minimize. For other people.

I want to scream until I'm blue in the face that he was very real to us for months before his birth.

I want to holler until I lose my voice that a NICU baby is a real, actual baby that required labor and birth.

I don't know how people can't comprehend that losing a month old baby isn't somehow better or easier than the loss of an older  child.

I am a real mother.

I lost a real, actual child.

I have a real, actual broken heart.

I have a husband dealing with the same loss and the grief has brought us, and our marriage, to the real and actual breaking point.

Comments

[Heather]

Losing a child is heartbreaking. Period. Never let anyone try to diminish your sweet little angel baby. Never let them make you feel like you have to sit on the sidelines. While "having more" may help you heal, the "more" will never fill the void. Children have endless healing power, but they will never fill the void, even if they outlive us the way they should... Children are a miracle, no matter how long they grace our lives. Motherhood is a blessing, period. There is no limit to your grief. You have every right to be brokenhearted and griefstricken. I wish I could say something to make you feel even a little bit better. I can't say I understand because I don't. No one does. Even other parents who have no child to hug feel differently and grieve differently. I hope that in the coming months, you can find some solace, some peace and comfort. You will never be "over it." Ten years from now, some THING, some SMELL, some WHATEVER will bring you to tears and you will think of your precious baby. But I hope that with the passing of those years, you can find joy in the short time you had with your baby. Look to each other (you and Deels) for comfort. You can get through this. Your baby will always live within your heart, and no one can take THAT away or diminish his wonder within your memory. You and Deels are in my thoughts...

[jodi]

oh Shannon, there are no words. Noone should ever minimize the very real pain you and your husband are in. Jackson was real, and is real, in your heart and in your mind. You are a mom, and always will be. There are lost of different kinds of moms, step-moms, sisters who act as mom, aunts and grandmas who act as moms, Dads who are moms, and moms to angel baies. I'm so sorry you are in that latter category, and I'm sorry people don't get it. My heart breaks for you.

[Regina Phalange]

You are as real a mom as there ever was. You made a bunch of strangers on the internet love your little boy. Who could do better?

[Redneck Mommy]

I have no wise words to help you heal, no clever quips to make you smile. I'm raw this week, and worn out from the chains of grief that have bound me.

Just know that Jackson knows you are a mom. You are, and always will be his mom.

And he will always be your boy. Not a nicu baby. But your SON.

Don't ever let anyone take that away from you. Or oneday I will have to come over there and kick your scrawny ass.

And I could do it. I'm like, 60 feet tall.

Hugs to you both.

[Liza]

Oh, Shan. Trust me, if people are being that asinine to you then they are, on some level, recognizing your motherhood. A lame joke, but true. Don't let go of the husband. He seems like a good one. Trust me, someday when this all settles down just a tiny little bit, you'll probably be glad you didn't. And if you do, things will be so awkward by that time that probably one or the other of you wouldn't try. Unless, you know, killing him would make you feel just a teensy bit saner or better right now, in which adios, Deels (sorry, Deels!). May or may not help one little bit, but I think of you often, and I for one would gladly take your parenting advice. Because you're a smart lady on top of being a real mom, and I value your opinions, even if jerkoffs at truck stops (sorry again, Deels!--kidding) don't. When you feel like you're at the end of your rope...I dunno, tie a knot and hang on, I guess. The ride sucks but it beats the alternative. XOX Liza

[carmen]

Hugs, Shan. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. You are a true, REAL mom.

[Bon]

i found my way back to you. i'm so sorry about Jackson. and sorry for the extra soul-crushing you may or may not have needed at this particular juncture.

i believe there is something extra-terrible, if that word makes any sense, about losing your only child while he is still a newborn and has never come home from the hospital. because there is no one else to share your memories, no one else to add to your tiny little collage of wonder and joy and love and heartbreak. it's too small. it's not enough time. it's an even bigger responsibility than caring for the memory of an older child, whose life is spread out amongst a wider variety of people.

but then it seems like you did a pretty fine job of sharing Jackson's life here.

but no, you shouldn't have to explain. no, he shouldn't be minimized. and won't be...not really. you don't let him. but i know it hurts like hell when an offhand comment stupidly meant to make you feel better makes it feel like the speaker just wants to wipe his life off the map to make themselves feel more comfortable.

you ARE a real mother. just wanted to say that again.

i'm pretty raw too, but have two things to say. one, Redneck Mommy really does seem to be sixty feet tall, so don't cross her. two, in the brief glance-through i've had a chance to do here...you're not just a real mother, but a good one. Jackson was loved.

as for the breaking point...my heart breaks for you. i know. i remember. we made it through...but i remember.

[Ivy]

Oh, Shannon. There really are no words. Know that you ARE a real mother. **hugs**

[problem girl]

I can only say what others have already said much better. You are a mother. And as long as you hold Jackson in your heart (and I know that you will forever and ever) you will be his mother and he will be your son.

So many things about this whole situation are just terrible and I hate that people have said things that have made you feel bad. If more children do come into your life (no matter how they get there) they will so blessed to have two parents who already know what it means to really love a child. Through all the pain, think of what a wonderful legacy of love Jackson left.

I'm thinking of you guys and keeping you in my heart.

[Anne-Marie]

Oh sweetie, I'm so very sorry. The only advice that I have for you is try to do things in your life that will honor your Jackson, his memory, and your love for him. I'm one of those people who believe you must take the bad in your life, and turn it around and find some good in it. It's like those people who have lost love ones to cancer, and then run or walk in fundraisers to honor their memory.

I have a friend who lost a child to severe birth defects. She wears a charm bracelet with his name and birth date on it to honor him. So it doesn't have to be anything big, just something you can do that (hopefully) will make you feel a little bit better.

Sending you and Deels a big virtual hug.

[SuperSnark]

Of course you are a "real" mother - anyone who opines otherwise is a moron undeserving of your presence. I personally would never say "I know what you're going through" because I haven't a clue. But it is good for both of you to get it out, express it in some way, get help with it, before it eats you alive. But mostly hang on to each other because THAT'S the only other person who really understands right now.

Sending all the positive energy I can muster...

[fringes]

You want me to disappear somebody for you?

[fringes]

(Was the above comment insensitive? I'm sorry. But...offer stands if I'm not now banned from your blog)

[CharmingDriver]

You would have to come personally kick my dog and punch a unicorn to get banned.

Man. Y'all are all just...sigh. Yall are fucking awesome. For real. And notta unicorn puncher amongst the lot. Heh.

[Victoria]

I stumbled across your blog today and have pretty much read every post. I have to tell you how much I admire the inner strength and total commitment to one another that you and your husband display toward one another.

Shannon...you most definitely are a real mother...in every sense of the word.

Blessings~

[CrankMama]

The realest of the real, sister. Truly.

[Judy]

Shannon..... there are no words to express the pain of losing a child. It is the most horrendous thing ever. You are Jackson's mother, and always will be. You and Deels fought hard for your son. You are parents. My sister lost her son at the age of 4, and while he was not my son, I was almost like his mother. I think of him every day, sometimes with tears, other times with joy. Jackson is with you every day, in your heart, in your mind, and in your soul. I don't know if this will help, but it has helped me. I light a tea light candle, placed in a votive cup(so it is well contained for safety reasons)every night before I go to bed. It comforts me to know that his light is shining on me as I sleep. My cousin, who also lost her daughter to leukemia about 15 years ago described it as a wound that never heals, it scabs over, but it always there. I am so sorry that here are so many insensitive people out there. You are one fantastic woman and don't you forget it. Hang onto Deels. You both need each other. Don't lose your love. And you have every right to offer parenting advice..just as much as some of those "so called professionals" out there. Both of you are in my heart and prayers every day. I check out my daugher-in-law, Jen's blog and then I go right to yours. Be good to yourselves........ and know you are loved!! Judy

[woodstove]

There have been some beautiful comments here. So, I have tears from them as well as from your entry.

I remember when you first exploded with the happy news that you were pregnant. From that moment on, to this day, and for the rest of your life, you're not only a mom, but one of the best damn moms it's been my honor to know.

Jackson lives through your words. I wish he had lived longer in your arms, but he's in your heart now, and because of you, he's in all of ours. He always will be.