Dear Petro

Dear Petro in North Las Vegas,

Hi. My name is Shannon. I was in your neck of the woods this weekend and stopped at your establishment to eat, shower, fuel and rest (in that order, if it matters). Just so you know, I really like Vegas and prior to this week, I don't think I've had a bad memory of your glittery city.

But something happened that, while untended and certainly inconsequential to the person who works at your truck stop, has given me what I suspect will be a long-time , if not altogether permanent, bad taste in my mouth.

What could have occurred to sour me so on your place of business? Bad diesel? Food poisoning? Loud, littered and lewd parking lot? No, certainly not. Most of those are par for the course at any truck stop. What happened was much more personal than all that but again, I'm sure your employee had no idea what he was saying or how much it would hurt. The lack of intent behind malice though doesn't make it feel any less malicious, if you know what I'm saying. But no, you don't know what I'm saying so let me fill you in.

See, four months ago today, yes, today exactly, I had a baby. His name is Jackson.

Or, depending on how you look at it, his name was Jackson. I don't understand how that would work though because even though he died, his name didn't change. Nor did his death change the fact that he is my son and a large part of my heart withered with his last breath. Not to get terribly personal with you but we also just found out that any future pregnancies would end the same. To fill in the blanks, I had a terrible MRSA infection in the Spring of 2005 that I was told was resolved. I was in the hospital for a long, long time but after surgery and months on antibiotics, I felt fine. Sure my immunity was compromised for several months but otherwise everything seemed fine.

Then came Katrina in August of 2005. Not only was my house (along with my sister's, just for your information) destroyed, as in wiped off the face of the earth (well, ok there was that one-quarter of a brick wall left on an otherwise empty slab), as a truck driver, I not only lived in a ''hot zone'' for infection and disease, most of the places I delivered to were also contaminated beyond comprehension. I spent many long months in those areas, some of them with standing, filthy water so high that after parking our trucks, we had to use ladders to get out of them in order to get the trucks unloaded. We brought water, ice, food, building materials and sadly, empty refrigerated trailers for use as temporary morgues. It was a terrible, awful time.

But then, suddenly, the sun broke through and there was reason to rejoice. After ''trying'' to quit my job after my sister had her third baby, I ended up going back to the same company within thirty days. This was awesome because it allowed for my benefits to resume without interruption and that came in mighty handy when I discovered, purely by chance, that a baby was coming.

I won't bore you anymore than I have already with all the boring details but suffice it to say that what followed was terrific; Deels and I went to work together, got married and planned to welcome our little bundle (who we initially thought was going to be a girl but SURPRISE) into the world. We had some issues finding pre-natal care because my ob/gyn gave me a pregnancy test before prescribing Paxil and didn't happen to notice it was positive. I only found out when I took a random DOT screen for work and an observant nurse thought testing would be a good idea when I told her how smell sensitive and nauseous I had been feeling. As I had no faith in my initial ob/gyn, we set about finding a new one and were pretty happy with the practice we found. Until one of the Drs proved himself to be horribly racist and essentially booted us from their service. I know, we were shocked and hurt, too.

But since it was still relatively early in the pregnancy, maybe five months, we weren't especially concerned. We didn't want to have too much invasive testing done and we had no interest in testing that wasn't specifically required. Whatever was going to happen, was going to happen was what we thought and because I tend toward the neurotic, finding out anything too worrisome, even potentially, would likely have sent me into a non-stop tailspin for months. We eventually found a practice that seemed fine for our needs, which by that point was basically ultra-sounds and someone to catch the baby.

Understand, even though I know it's more than you want to know, that with every Dr. I was honest about the previous infection and chronic post-Katrina exposure to staph, strep and countless other contaminants. It didn't seem to set off any alarms or concern and as I felt fine, other than being super-paranoid and worried about harming the baby to the point that I stopped working in May because I was more of a hindrance than help on the truck, we didn't think anything could go wrong.

But something did go wrong, Mr/s. Anonymous Petro Person. My body, we have since found, has colonized the MRSA infection in so many places that ever ridding myself of it completely seems unlikely. I gave that terrible infection to my son and because of it, he died as will happen with any more babies.

I was on IV antibiotics and other drugs for months but it came at a high cost for quality of life and also steep financial obligation. Just one of the drugs had a $17/day, yes, a DAY, co-pay. That didn't include the cost of home nurse visits or the equipment needed, all for treatment that could take years, if ever, to work. With that in mind, we now know that any future kids will come not from us and we are, sincerely, fine with that but it's an indescribable pain to have that decision made for you and have no say so in the matter.

Which brings me back to your employee and how he is now indelibly in my memory of this horrid time in our life. He couldn't have known that Jackson was a week overdue and was scheduled to be induced on the 29th, at the latest. He was wily and decided to come on his own that morning and it was petrifying and incredible when my water broke of it's own accord just hours before we were scheduled to be at the hospital. I remember tapping my husband on the shoulder so softly and telling him we needed to go, NOW. It was so exciting and scary all at once. A time, again, I will never forget.

So when I woke up groggily in the night or rather early morning and felt a similar sensation, in my sleepy state, I again tapped my husband on the shoulder and whispered that I thought my water had broke. No, I'm no pregnant; I think we've been over that already, yes? Saying those words woke both of us suddenly and with a heavy thud. It didn't take long to discern what was actually needed is pictured over there in a pink box, not a trip to the hospital. When I came into your Petro, sobbing and broken, your employee along with a security guard thought it was great fun to joke about how few tampons they sell to truckers. Oblivious to my feelings, they continued bantering about what a relief it is to see those products in the bathroom at home as it means, surely and with certainty, no little bastards are on the way. Understand, it wasn't the language that bothered me, Anonymous Petro Person. It was the complete and total disregard for me not just as a customer but as a person that hollowed me out but good.

I doubtlessly understand that my mental health isn't the personal responsibility of your employees and that something as simple as buying tampons (for the first time since my son was born, by the way) shouldn't be a traumatic event but your employee and his buddy didn't help. At all. I normally wouldn't write a letter to complain about something as common as bad service but since it was so easy to remember the guy's name, it seemed like something I should do, good, bad or indifferent as the outcome may be.

So. If you could let Jackson, who works the over-night shift, know that a little more compassion for his customers, even when they're weeping truckers, would be appreciated, that would be great.

Sincerely,

The Saddest Trucker Ever

Comments

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry.

[SuperSnark]

One entire box of tissues - a new record.

I am so sorry that happened to you. Everything.

[wwodstove]

Damn.

Hugs to you both, and so much love.

[siebal]

I am so sorry that happened to you.

[jodi]

Happy B-day to your angel baby. I am so sorry for your loss.

[fringes]

My thoughts are jumbled, trying to say the exact right thing and we know there is no such thing as exactly right.

Thinking of you, Deels and Jackson today.

[StickyKeys]

Love you babe, keep your head up.

[Regina Phalange]

I think this must be the hardest time for you now because you're getting back to a life that's so different from what you had planned. You'll get through it; I'm just sorry it hurts so much.

[Melissa]

I don't know you, but if I did I would give you a big hug. I'm so sorry, for all of it.

[Jen]

I'm so, so sorry.

[Kim]

I am sorry...You are all in my thoughts and prayers...

[Kris]

I am so sorry.

[henry]

Oh Shannon, I'm so sorry. It's a great reminder to me how much words can hurt someone. It's too easy to forget these days.

[carmen]

Oh, Shannon and Deels, I'm so incredibly sorry. I wish I could give you both a big hug.

[weejie]

I just can't express how bad I feel for you both. My heart just breaks.

But I'm very happy to see your posts. It's so nice to see how much you love each other. And that's what will get you through this, and through all the rest of it. All my best to you both.

[SuperSnark]

And by the way, his name IS Jackson. He's still around, just in another form. Or so I believe.

[Country Mouse]

I just want to cry for you. Oh, how I wish you'd gotten the compassion you so needed. If cyberhugs and good thoughts from a random stranger can do something to buoy you up, you've certainly got them from me.

[Liza]

I don't even know what to say; there is nothing to say. I'm so sorry. It's always hard when we find out that choices we thought were ours to make are instead completely beyond our control. Thinking of you today.

[thordora]

oh my. I'm so sorry.

[sunShine]

People are so insensitive. The world would be a better place if people like that would just keep their comments to themselves. I am sorry that happened.