100 Things (Shan)

You guys love me, right? Of course you do. Now, you can lurve me x100. My husband is sleeping like a mummy right now (Get thee some Xanax, friends) and he said y'all had to babysit me. Cool? Cool.

1. My first name is Shannon
2. DOB 10/4
3. I'm the youngest (by a whopping 21 months) of two girls
4. My sister and I would take a bullet for each other
5. I miss my sister so much it hurts
6. I seriously disliked her husband the first several years they were together
7. He returned the favor
8. Once Elle was pregnant with Q, we made a truce
9. By truce I mean to say that I said, ''Suck it up. I will be all up in your shit, all the time, forever and ever, amen. KTHX!''
10. And he said, ''Fuuuuuuck. Alright. I guess. Don't be getting your crazy all over my wife.''
11. And I said, ''You WISH you could handle THIS much CRAZY, asshole!''
12. And then we all lived happily ever after.
13. No, for real. We both just got over it.
14. My first husband looks exactly like Trace Adkins, with shorter hair.
15. I know, right? Haaaaaaaawt.
16. But, omg, such an asshole.
17. But, only when he's married to me.
18. I like him so much now but I have no idea how we ended up married.
19. I have never, ever loved anyone like I love Deels.
20. Not because I believe in soul mates or ''one perfect person''; I think that's mostly hooey.
21. But if I did believe in such hooey, I would say we were custom made for each other.
22. I was never scared to bring him home to my parents because he's black.
23. I was never scared to meet his family because I'm white.
24. I should have been.
25. But his mom was so nice until she figured out we were serious.
26. I have yet to figure that shit out.
27. Her first husband is Dominican.
28. Her second husband is Japanese.
29. Deels sisters and brothers have married people of various ethnicities.
30. But none of them white.
31. I was the cracker that broke the camels back.
32. It's been the most emotionally brutalizing ''relationship'' I've ever had with anyone and I was married to someone I didn't mind chasing with knives on occasion.
33. Hee. I know, right. KNIVES!
34. I hate myself for trying so long to make her accept me or at least not hate me.
35. I thought her dislike made me unworthy of Deels love.
36. I was wrong.
37. I wouldn't piss in her mouth if her teeth were on fire now.
38. Deels is gorgeous.
39. He is built like a brick shithouse.
40. Like two triangles stacked on each other. Broad shoulders, narrow waist, explosive thighs.
41. He's 5'8 and over 200 lbs
42. Of pure muscle
43. I started running because of him
44. I thought it was some lightweight bullshit exercise
45. Then I did it and found out it that it isn't
46. But I did it to keep up with him
47. And because fuck if running isn't the fastest way to just get-it-the-hell-over-with-already with exercise
48. It's portable and doesn't require a gym
49. Deels has won several power lifting competitions
50. He can lift three times his own weight
51. He's an accomplished martial artist
52. He went to Julliard on scholarship
53. And he has a voice that can bring you to tears
54. The good kind, not the kind my voice will bring
55. But I do still lurve to sing
56. And dance
57. I do neither well but I do them with enthusiasm
58. After graduating from Julliard, Deels was in the Army for four years
59. He was in the first Gulf War
60. He stayed in the Reserves for several years
61. When I spent a month in ICU last year with MRSA, Deels came and sat in the waiting room of the hospital for a week
62. He wasn't allowed to see me because he wasn't ''family'' but his being there allowed my mom to leave the hospital to tend to my dad who had just had surgery
63. We weren't even ''together'' then
64. He and several of his brothers came (from NJ) and cleared trees off my lot after Katrina
65. I wasn't even home
66. And we weren't ''together'' then, either
67. Have I mentioned that I love him?
68. He and my dad both believe they are masters of all things dance
69. The first anti-depressant I ever tried was Zoloft
70. It didn't work but I was made to take it an entire 30 days before I could try something else
71. I literally almost killed my ex-husband before that 30 days was up
72. Untreated depression makes you want to hurt yourself
73. Incorrectly treated depression makes you need to hurt others
74. After three days on Paxil, I was a new person
75. But still felt a killin wouldn't harm my ex none
76. I love my ex-husband's new wife (my..wife-in-law?) like a sister
77. She got me through the first several hours of labor with Jackson
78. Giving birth is every bit as amazing as anything you have ever read
79. It's also very, very messy
80. And painful. Great googly-moogly does it hurt
81. Babies, they are born with bones
82. And skulls
83. And all of that has to come out of your fancy place
84. And that place ain't so much with the fancy after a human being is trotted out
85. Unless it's scheduled or an emergency, most women who have C-sections experience labor to a great degree
86. I think they aren't given nearly enough street cred for the whole birthing thing as c-sections aren't the ''easy'' way out; it's major abdominal surgery for crying out loud
87. Plus, pushed out or cut out those babies were all up in them for nine months and eat a dick if you don't understand what that entails
88. I was sad for some of the moms I met after I had Jackson who were disappointed they had c-sections; they felt like they had failed and/or had missed something
89. Let me clear that shit up: You done good, ladies. You went and had a baby so therefore: YOU DID GOOD WORK!! YAY YOU!!
90. I am still angry about parts of Jackson's birth
91. I felt man-handled and ignored
92. And like a moron for not demanding someone else to give me an epidural
93. You've never felt love until you have an OB elbow deep in your business
94. Telling you to BE STILL
95. To which I could only say: HHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHA!
96. ''Good one'', Doc.
97. Unless I can get a written guarantee that there isn't one cell of MRSA left in my body, I will never get pregnant again
98. Ok maybe not a written guarantee but some fairly strong assurances
99. Because this isn't something I ever, ever want to take a chance on happening again
100. I miss my son so, so much.

Comments

[Knickers]

Some other stuff I have learned in a short while:

101: You have an amazing facility for expressing yourself and connecting with others. And, you funny.

102: You have been put through life's mangle more times than seems in any way fair. The way you deal with that is inspiring.

103: But yeah, you really lucked out with Deels. And he with you.

104: You seem to blame yourself for a bunch of stuff that isn't your fault or in any way blameworthy.

105: You need to get a bunch of doctors and nurses in a room together and kick their arses.

[siebal]

You two are absolutely amazing.

[Regina Phalange]

Yep. Amazing will cover it.

Heh. Knives.

[sunShine]

I agree amazing is a good word to describe you.

[Carmen]

OMG, was I lol at these two:

And all of that has to come out of your fancy place

And that place ain't so much with the fancy after a human being is trotted out.

[henry]

Wait, your birthday is 10/4 and you drive a truck? You continue to crack me up.

[Jennifer]

I remember being told to stop pushing when my son was crowning because the doctor hadn't shown up yet. I thought to myself that the nurse had obviously never had a vaginal delivery herself because ITS JUST NOT POSSIBLE TO STOP PUSHING....

[CharmingDriver]

Henry, HA! You're the only one to pick that up! Deels and I are also the biggest dorks in the world because some days we will talk like that ALL DAY LONG. [clicky mic noise] Hey there driver, you got your ears on? [clicky noise x2) Sure do driver, go ahead [clicky noise] and of course every exchange ends with [click] 10/4 DRIVER [click]

And uuuuuuuh yeah Jennifer, I'm not sure what they expect with that because my thought is Mmmm I will stop pushing right about the time this PERSON exits my body and not one moment sooner. Gaaaaah.

[Flahdagal]

106. You're one strong, strong woman.
107. Deels chose well.
108. Your life will only get better.

Okay, so that last one was a "wish" for you, but hey.

[Jana]

You're an incredibly strong woman, with an amazing sense of humor. Go you!